Self-Love
What does it mean and how do we get it?
It took me a long time to find my niche in photography... like a long time. And I think I learned what I'm not WAY before I learned what I am. For instance, I'm am not (currently) a wedding photographer. I spent far too many years doing weddings as a makeup artist to want to put up with it again as a photographer. Hard pass. I am also not a posed newborn photographer. Neither my anxiety meds nor my business insurance is potent enough to cover the potential disasters there. Nope. No way. I'm more than happy to come to your home and do lifestyle newborn sessions where you hold your sweet baby, but I'm not gonna do all that wrapping, posing, and editing. Hats off to those that can, and Shreveport is full of talented photographers that create beautiful posed newborn images and art. But I ain't it. And I'm okay with that.
What I am is a photographer that wants her entire business to focus on women and empowering others. Boudoir? yes. Maternity? yes. Birth story? yes. Family? yes. Senior portraits. yes. Basically, I gochu from beginning to empty nest, sis.
And I think the reason I've gravitated towards this path and niche is simple... I want other women to love themselves like I love them. I grew up the fat, ridiculous smart, often mouthy, always anxious, oldest child that felt the constant need to out-perform, out-do, and basically over-achieve at any/everything so that those around me would love me. Like a lot of people who grew up well below the poverty line, love felt very much attached to accomplishments. So I accopmlished. I internalized that notion that I could be loved by my family only when at my absolute best.
Give you 2.5 guesses as to which fully-aware-of-her-short-comings young lady never learned to love herself? Never learned to take a damn minute to sharpen the axe as they say? Never learned to set boundaries based on her needs. Never learned to truly revel in her own unique experience. You? Me, too! And it only got worse after I had children. Holy socks, did it get worse! As a working mom, I thought I could claw my way past the overwhelming mom-guilt by devoting every free moment I had to my children. I mean sure, I'd read a book or knit a hat or take a bath every once in a while... but none of that helped me appreciate me as a whole and unique person. After my much-needed divorce, I was faced with the very real soul-crushing feeling that no one and I mean NO ONE would ever love me. Not my children. Not my ex-husband who I just knew would come back ::cringe::. Not my family who I had let down with my divorce. And definitely no other man. I remember having a converstaion with one of my HS best friends and crying to him saying, "No one will ever love me again. Who wants a 37 year old single mom?" It was a defining moment for me when he said, "You gotta love you first." Well damn, Cody. Call me out like that then.
You'd expect that a fat girl would bounce right back up after hitting that rock bottom that hard, but no. It took the wisdom of other ::whispers:: divorced women ::whispers:: to drag me out of that pity puddle and sometimes gently/sometimes tough love-ly focus me on myself... and it was damned annoying. I had spent 38 years liking, but not really loving myself. It felt hokey, glib, and honestly down-right icky to my goth sentiments and aesthetic to be reading self-love blogs, writing in journals designed to celebrate me, and attending all-women's retreats. But somewhere along the way, I found what had been lurking under the surface of my marriage. I found what kept me from truly being the gentle intentional parent I wanted to be. I found what had made me feel so lonely as a single mom. I found what had kept me in jobs that I hated.
My inability to actually love myself.
Now years later, I know that self-love takes work (and sometimes werk!). It takes time to confront that inner little girl and heal her hurts. It takes time to sit with that grown woman who's had her whole world torn apart. It takes courage, and support, and well... love.
So during February, we are going to celebrate self-love here on the blog and on my social media. I hope you'll join in with me.
